Saturday, June 2, 2007

dogstar fern

I used to believe in nothing, than I believed in a god, than I believed in Nothingness, than I believed in many gods. Today I believe all these things.
My favorite of my two houseplants, is this rabbit-foot fern i got perched over here under the window. It is waving in a slight breeze, altogether resplendent, given the dungeon-like nature of my crib. Effulgently emerald she is! The fern, seems to long to crawl out the window. I think it stays because an atomizer of misty water admonishes its intentions to creep from here to the Oregon coast. Who says houseplants don't make great pets! TO HADES WITH THE CANIS FAMILIARIS FIXATION. Kitty cats never needed us in the first place. Clipped parrots are an abomination.
I just feel dubious about this notion of pets. Does any other lifeform on earth, that we know of, eschew "pet ownership", besides homo sapiens?
Here's an eyebrow lifter for ya- DOG is not even of this planet. Ancient Eskimo Cuneiform tablets, probably six thousand years old, recovered from a melting glacier just north of Yellowknife, are believed by modern experts in Eskimo Cuneiform at a certain reputable think-tank , to describe a rather intricate account of how dogs infested our planet. A leading scholar of the much debated Eskimo Cuneiform tablets, Berthold Gknowitaal, PH- super-fucking D, translates :
"The canoes They (the spacefolks) paddled from the belly of the northern lights( surmised academically to be Sirius) would make the biggest whale swim away in terror. The fiercest bear would bury itself. We, the People, were a little scared too. The Sirian visitors( implied... see www. or something) said they had too many dogs on their space canoe. They needed to unload a few of 'em on us, upon the earth. "The Ones Who Can Scare Big Big Whales with A Single Glance" unleashed a maelstrom of dogs upon the People, and brazenly proclaimed-
"Greetings Earth Folk! We have paddled a long journey from deep in the belly of the northern lights (Sirius) and we, uh, just have way too many dogs on our space-canoe. So, umm, it kinda looks like you guys could use a few dogs, and well, we have to paddle all the way to Casablanca....Whoops!-I meant Cassiopeia. Anyway- wormhole's about to close up- we need to unload all these dogs on your pathetic planet, not only because they're shitting all over my spaceship, but if we can instill a pet-fixation on you earth folk, this will reinforce your propensity to neurosis. Sorry we can't linger for what you might consider tea, but we must be off. You see, neurotic civilizations are less of a galactic threat to us. "
This all, mind you, painstakenly translated by scholars way fucking smarter than us.
Have you ever walked a dog at night, under clear, starry skies, and seen the dog slowly tilt its head to the light of distant, twinkling Sirius, and heard the dog softly whine?

1 comment:

--mf said...

Most interesting article-- I want to believe!

As to your question of whether any other life form has pets, there IS on, sort of...

Ants will tend, protect, and herd aphids, which gorge themselves on the sweet juices of plants. the ants then "milk" them of the sweet juices for their own food. Basically, the ants use them like cows.