Friday, March 23, 2007

dumpster dive, PART ONE

Usually a dumpster is a dumpster, but there's one Downtown that is actually a time machine; a wormhole in space that occasionally boots up and sucks things into other dimensions. Well, I don't really know what happened- I was tossing a bag of trash into its greasy maw when a freaky green light appeared and...
I've been teleported to the year 2013, guys. The difficulties with posting back in time have been legion, I won't even get into that now... Anyway, I'm apparently trapped over here, been hanging around the dumpster hoping that wormhole manifests again . I don't like it here. Not so much.
First thing I noticed, crawling outta a nasty dumpster, was how hot it is. Scorching, stifling, the bottom of the Grand Canyon in June at Noon would be mild. So I fashioned myself a makeshift hat from 7 year-old tortilla boxes, and went a ' sauntering.
Please try to stay with me here, folks, as I'm still trying to cognate the sheer shock of this world. Okay, well, it's real damn hot. Next thing I noticed about Downtown Flagstaff in 2013 is, there is no pavement. That's right!- No concrete or asphalt- just grass. Downtown is a big field of grass!!! So, thusly, I have yet to observe a motorized vehicle in this time. The buldings are much the same, but with no windows, and they all have these very wierd reflective panels on the rooves. Grass and mirrors everywhere. Silence. Except for gusts of wind, so violent and terrible, don't really want to tell ya'll about it.
The sky is no longer blue. More like a puddle of moldy Heineken.
The windstorms of the future are so intense, that if you go outside during one, you die. They are a lot like our contemporary late summer rains(long gone), accompanied by thunder and lightning so daunting, even Nicolai Tesla would run for cover. The weather is so bad, only very skillfully engineered trees can live in this world. Sort of bonsai-like. No more pines. Plenty of grass.
So I'm standing there in the lush grass- what used to be a parking lot, when this low, mournful siren sounds somewhere (inclement wind warning) and I experience my first Gusting- flings me like a dog toy against what used to be a restaraunt/catering business. So much for the cardboard hat! I'm like the dude in the Maxell cassette tape commercial. Can't even move.
Twas during this nearly brain-shattering trauma that I encountered my first human being of 2013. A person wearing some white, diaphanous toga-like garment, with a rope about the waist, soared into the maelstrom , grabbed me, and whisked me somewhere sheltered.
It was a woman. Young and rather pretty, despite her thorough(and I thought, almost Arabic) white raiment. My first conversation with a Flagstaff denizen of 2013 went something like this...
"Salaam Alikum, muthafucka. You look watered, praise Google, by Allahjesu."
"Thanks" I tell her, as I get my wind back, and suddenly her eyes widen with astonishment. She is staring at my crotch.
"Oh my Allahjesu! You are a man!
But men do not exist anymore! You are the first I've seen in five years! " About now I notice she's actually quite hot, despite the unusual purple/silver eyes, there's a glint of intellegence in them, curiosity in the way she cocks her head of auburn tresses , mellifluousness and poise in her voice. "My name is Zymurgian", I offer. She wears some kind of i pod-ish thing on a hemp necklace. She clutches it, clearly nervous.
"I am Jenisalomefer, of the 19th gigawater clan. We gotta get the fuck outta here now, amigo. The Water-Plunder-Hordes always follow the Gustings. " With that, she starts pressing buttons on whatever that i pod thing is , and suddenly we're somewhere else.
(To be continued. Really)


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